I'm up for whatever! As long as it doesn't violate my probation...
— heather* (@heatherlou_) October 6, 2014
what's the name of that social networking website where I can document my antisocial thoughts in exchange for a false sense of validation?
— Chuckles Downer (@ChucklesDowner) October 18, 2014
Whoever said you shouldn't mix business with pleasure has probably never masturbated at work.
— IG fusedude (@fusedude) October 9, 2014
He died doing what he loved best: riding a unicorn, bronco-style.
— Robear (@bobsin) October 17, 2014
Tell me again how awesome you are at being a parent, I think the 30 Facebook posts about your kids didn't sink in yet.
— Billy (@wmorrissey79) October 17, 2014
Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
— Sara Wright (@SaraWright89) October 17, 2014
I'm just like Taylor Swift, only I can't sing and all my ex-boyfriends are buried in my backyard.
— I'm Not Crazy (@YouStillLoveMe) October 16, 2014
If they want to be with you, they will send you letters, rearrange their day, constantly stay in touch.
-Bill collectors
— Lynn Faye (@Tightrope27) October 16, 2014
Spilled my pumpkin spice latte while shopping at Petco, was surrounded by single white people in sweater vests with cats & we all cried.
— Nathan (@stockejock) October 15, 2014
